literally had 100 drinks last night.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
