well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
