Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize