remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
