I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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