my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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