Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
