I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize