if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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