I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
