tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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