You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
