I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize