I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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