Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
