Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
