My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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