FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
