Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
