ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
