I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
