I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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