The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
