I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
