I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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