I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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