Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
