So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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