I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
