The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
