the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
