No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
