i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
