A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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