Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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