u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
