I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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