I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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