My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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