I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Drunk is not a location!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize