I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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