My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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