Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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