bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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