I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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