Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
our cab driver is having phone sex.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
