He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
