I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
