If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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