Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
