I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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