They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
the liver wants what the liver wants
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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