everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
