First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
