i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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