You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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