I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
